The love that holds you from eternity to eternity

Inspired by last year's "Be Found in the Kiss" Colour Conference (read here, how God gave me his heavenly kisses weeks before the conference) for this year's lent I decided to read Song of Songs. Even for someone who did Literature for her undergraduate degree Song of Songs poetic style is hard for me to read. I wanted to read it with the help of the different interpretations and insights from different writers.

The title, Song of Songs, is a Hebrew way of saying the greatest song -- just as king of kings means the greatest king (Song of Songs 1:1) [Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel]

Here I tried to summarize some of my personal key takeaways at the end, and start my reflection with what God has recently taught me about love. 

Song of Songs and love

There is Jesus and there is gospel throughout Song of Songs, because the love described there reflects our love and intimacy with God.

Song of Songs is erotic love poetry describing the passion shared between a husband and a wife, along with the sexual intimacy that rightly accompanies it. This type of literature can seem out of character for the Bible and might make you blush when you read it. But it is so valuable because it also reveals much about our intimacy with God. [Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel]

On love, last year I received one of the most precious gifts, that God taught me something new, for the first time, that forgiveness is a definition of what love is -- read my story on that, here.

And in my Song of Songs reading now, with only several devotional readings on Song of Songs available, God taught me yet another definition of what love is: a travail of intercession.

Who is this one?
She arises out of her desert, clinging to her beloved.
When I awakened you under the apple tree,
as you were feasting upon me,
I awakened your innermost being with the travail of birth
as you longed for more of me. [Song of Songs 8:5]

"This is rare, but this makes your journey with God even more real."

On a Sunday in July last year where we relayed Brian Houston preaching, even though it wasn't specifically doctrinal, but I was encouraged by what he shared on pre-marital sex. This isn't a topic you would typically hear from the pulpit on a typical Sunday. I shared with my small-group last year that looking back, since when I was younger until today God has been protecting me, when it comes to virginity.

All the men who pursued me were all from church and they had the same view with me on preserving sex for marriage. Even the non-believer men who pursued me, still valued me for having that life principle. But these men, for none of them God did what He is doing to me now: to intercede for him before I even met him, before I even knew him, and then to forgive him, and to continue interceding for him.

In November 2020 when God supernaturally asked me to pray for a man I never met I didn't immediately think that as a love story. Because it scared me actually -- I actually thought he was someone else's husband, and I never received such 'task' for a stranger. But this is the story that helped my immediate obedience:

• I lived in Berlin in 2015. A church sister then told me a story of her friend who one day, out of the blue, God asked her to pray for an ex-boyfriend. That ex-boyfriend had moved on with life, married and had children. But she obeyed. And until now she still didn't have the answer why God did it then. 

So I thought, as I was reminded of this story, maybe it's not too impossible, for God to ask you to pray for a man you never met before, even if he's someone else's husband, maybe he needs someone to pray for him, God sees and knows everything anyway. Even Google didn't give me any clue about it.

But as months went by, as He began to reveal more to me, I could see His relentless love and pursuit for this man all over this rare story. And now I still ponder the same what I pondered last year early March as I was talking to a brother then, that even the miracles He provided me for in this journey, they were and are all part of this assignment of His relentless love. 

See for yourself

Right up front, the greatest Song challenges us to meditate on the links between God's presence and sexual desire and intimacy (1 Corinthians 6:13)  [Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel]

The Shulamite 

2Let him  smother me with kisses—his Spirit-kiss divine. 

So kind are your caresses, 

I drink them in like the sweetest wine! 

3Your presence releases a fragrance so pleasing—

over and over poured out.

For your lovely name is “Flowing Oil.” 

No wonder the brides-to-be adore you. 

4Draw me into your heart.

We will run away together into the king’s cloud-filled chamber.

I was reminded on the presence of Holy Spirit in me; the Holy Spirit provides us constant intimacy with God. But to see it for myself, Holy Spirit helps me on this, to see that God's presence is more satisfying than all physical intimacy. 

Jesus is the Groom who loves me, His bride, "so intimately that he laid down his life". [Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel]

His love is relentless

The woman in Song of Songs is called a Shulammite, "a feminine version of the name Solomon. Both names, Solomon and Shulam, come from the word Shalom, meaning peace or wholeness. When the two parts become whole, Shalom is found". [Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel]

It can be difficult to hear God lavish compliments on us and rejoice over us with singing when there are so many other voices calling out for our attention (Zephaniah 3:17). Like the bride, we can easily and abruptly be snapped away from moments with God by the voices of culture, entertainment, or our past life.

Those voices tell us to leave the imaginary garden of God’s love and throw ourselves back upon the previous ways we found validation and love. When God says we are beautiful, those voices drown him out with comparison. When God says he desires us, those voices tell us that type of love doesn’t exist.

But we need to listen to the truer voice of our husband, Jesus. As the woman (Shulam) was given the name of a king (Solomon), we have been given an even greater king-–Jesus (Matthew 12:42).

He is the king of the whole earth and yet he calls us his bride (Revelation 19:7). When he calls us radiant, holy, blameless, without stain, wrinkle, or blemish, we can know that his voice is more true (Ephesians 5:27).

[Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel] 

I learned something new here, that the bride's response is a reverse of those spoken by God to Eve as a curse:

Now I know that I am for my beloved 

and all his desires are fulfilled in me. [Song of Songs 7:10]

Because in Genesis 3:16, God told Eve, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." But now, the man desires the woman and they are equal (Song of Songs 6:3). [Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel] 

Travail

I also learned that besides God's very depth of heart and love has intensity, it is also filled with purpose. 

That explains that we are called -- as we "mature and unselfish love drives us" -- "to share His heart with others". [The Divine Romance, Broadstreet Publishing]

As we grow in him and become spiritually, emotionally, and physically whole, we want to see others experience equal wholeness. We're motivated by an intense longing to see more of Christ birthed in the earth. We labor in intercession and in sharing the gospel in order to see others captured by these same holy affections and to see them begin their own glorious Shulamite journey. [The Divine Romance, Broadstreet Publishing]

travail

noun [ usually plural ]

UK /ˈtræv.eɪl/ 

US /treˈveɪl/

an unpleasant experience or situation, especially one that involves a lot of hard work or effort:

We can stake our trust on Him, whose love holds us in eternity

Our past wounds may cause us to miss God's blessings. When we're not ready we could spend every energy in us, to push the blessing away. In my journey if seeing this grieves me, then I know it has grieved God first in eternity. 

In the same breath, if separation hurts me, I would know it has God too in eternity. Song of Songs captures this separation when the groom disappeared, her husband is nowhere to be found (Song of Songs 3:1). In our lives God may seem far at times -- if Jesus loves us more than anyone (even our own parents and spouse), He must be closer to us than anyone. 

But we still wait for Jesus' return -- that's why, like Song of Songs, "the whole Bible ends with a sense of longing and unfulfilled desire (Revelation 22:17). Like the bride, may we wait for Jesus, full of love, expectancy, and praise." [Jesus in All of Song of Songs, Spoken Gospel] 

At the receiving end of far from nice and friendly gestures, I may never know if God is doing this journey as part of Him writing my love story. One of my fears now actually is, if I would be able to love any other man, after this intercession ends, until God reveals what's next. But what I know, this is about His love, that just like everything in this universe this is for His glory. I got a glimpse, a tiny bit of what it means, of His unconditional love. Because if I could learn to love a man so much through praying for him before I even met him, through praying for him so intensely, even all the more God's love for him.

He has first loved him, just as He has first loved me, in eternity.

I tell you this: You will be sad and you will cry. But the people who belong to this world will be happy. Yes, you will be sad. But soon after that, you will become happy instead. 

....
 
It is like that for you. You are sad now. But I will see you again, and then you will be happy. You will be really happy. Nobody will be able to stop you being happy.  (John 16, EASY)

  

Love has a name, so does Forgiveness: When God put a name to my Forgiveness.

Have you ever been in a situation, where, being able to name a particular unusual and challenging situation in your life, actually helps you to deal with it? That, how it doesn't change the unusual situation/person, but it does help you to cope, after you are able to put a name on it?

I have.

Perhaps, "When we suffer, we seek answers." (TD Jakes) helps to give insights, why we (or I) deliberately put in efforts, to put a name on a difficult situation we can't wrap our head around.

You just don't know. 

For a man in his 50s, and a CEO minus-1 (a direct report to the CEO), my soft-spoken American ex-boss doesn't seem to fit into the typical stereotypes of men of his age and his type of role. When I lived in Singapore I was practically surrounded by Americans, and I could use one hand, how many of them are soft-spoken. But in 2019, even in any given year in modern corporate world, my ex-boss just doesn't make decisions as fast as he should, as he procrastinates and seems to be even almost paralyzed in the face of urgency, being required to make one. Common that people would sit in some hours long meeting with him could end up leaving the meeting without clear directions on what actions to take for impending business issues. This side of him also creates other implications in the team, making the department known as one of the most toxic ones to work in.

I wish I could see my ex-boss in a different role, instead as a boss. But his unusual behavior (for someone in that role) does make him a bad boss. 

I could use one hand to count, how many such unusual situations or people I have ever encountered in my life. And these situations or people would usually drive me to turn to Psychology for insights.

This particular situation with my ex-boss took me to the dichotomy of alpha, beta male. That beta males are actually controlling, just like the alphas. Amazing how psychologists spend decades to study and research on human behavior.

I may take it as another opportunity to learn about life, about people, I thought I've seen and experienced enough, learning yet another outlier, another unusual situation, another unusual personality or behavior, but I also remembered being... humbled. 

After being this old, after living in four different countries and meeting people from all walks of life, I still need to learn about myself (my own wounds came from my mother), about all these "symptoms" that we display of, actually, a lot of pain, of "I'm afraid." or of "I'm hurt." or "I'm bored." or "I'm insignificant."

As odd as the situations or person could be, in this fallen world you just don't know; you just don't know what sh*t happened in people's past, what broke them, that make them display unusual behaviors now, just like this fallen world has marred our own life.

What had happened to you?

The past year I would look at the person I care so much about, and wondered, What happened to you? 

In January 2021 in my devotional readings God spoke to me about wounds, this was one of the things He first revealed to me, even though my intercession started in mid November 2020.

I already sensed the triggers, but it was a 50/50 chance. Until, when God revealed something to me in September of last year, that question has become even more specific since, What happened to you? What did she do to you?

God is sovereign, even in the worst life situations that you simply can't wrap your head around.

Such situations would only enlarge your perspectives and views of situations and people. Such situations could make you rise above people of your generation, because the more unique the bad experience is, the more rare, so less people would have come across it. And that's a superpower. 

One of the things I enjoy hearing people's life stories is, also learning from the unusual situations they encountered. 

I find this habit, really humbling, and liberating, to make me being able to say, "We just don't know.", or "It's a mystery.".

But psychology as a knowledge does help us to give us insights, so we can put a name on what we are going through, to be able to see it from a larger point of view, and take necessary actions -- such as our obedience to forgive.

Forgiveness is an act of love

This is me sharing the most precious gift I received last year, that God showed me, how love is defined by forgiveness I was able to extend, again and again.

I wasn't looking for forgiveness, I wasn't looking to forgive at all. So when I received John 13 in June, I was more of... yeah, sure. Until a couple of weeks later, God gave me John 13 again in a separate occasion -- I repented, as I sensed He wanted to make sure, that I forgive.

Only after the second time John 13 was given to me, I made a deliberate effort to read more on forgiveness and here are the insights. 

1. "Love switch"

A writer calls it a "love switch" -- this switch doesn't turn off when the pain is inflicted, when the offense happened. "Instead, internally you wrestle with the emotions of love and the conflicting emotion of hate. Your love for the offender fuels the question, why?" (Betrayed, Bettye Nicole, www.bettyenicole.org)

I didn't know that I have this switch.

2. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)

I think, forgiveness does not mean, the offense never happened. But, "Forgiveness excuses the offender. ... The fact that we forgive someone of their sin towards us, does not make the sin okay." (Psychology of Forgiveness, Kanayo Dike-Oduah, www.doctorkanayo.com)

Just like how He sees us, and not our sins.

CBT is a technique we can practice when memories of the offence bring back feelings of anger, bitterness. In light of biblical truth, the CBT technique is synonymous with 2 Corinthians 10:5; taking thoughts captive.

"Christian CBT acknowledges the activating event (the offence), the behavioral response (the anger, emotional despair) and the consequences (prolonged bitterness and negative thoughts). Yet as believers we dispute these negative thoughts far beyond how conventional psychology says we should. We don't simply dispute by asking whether it is logical, practical or evidence-driven to think this way. Christian CBT compels us to take captive (known as 'thought-catching' in CBT) these negative thoughts and memories that do not align with the truth of God's word and bring them to the obedience of Christ."

It's probably similar to, each time my mentally ill mother verbally abused me, I would tell myself, This is not her, this is her condition doing that to her.

But I was also reminded, not to be hard on myself -- that my brain is functioning as normal. It's the command to forgive that is abnormal to the flesh. 

3.  Make new memories

We can make conscious efforts to decide, how to respond to our memories (of the offense), and how to be intentional about forming new memories. 

"Creating new memories will do two things: it will weaken the existing neural connections in your brain from the negative experience that you had and form new neural connections for the positive experiences that you will intentionally create." (Psychology of Forgiveness, Kanayo Dike-Oduah, www.doctorkanayo.com).

I'm personally encouraged to be reminded, that there were incidents in the OT we can see how sins angered God too. But He has compassion on us, again and again (Micah 7:18-19).

Who is a God like You, who forgives wickedness
And passes over the rebellious acts of the remnant of His possession?
He does not retain His anger forever,
Because He [constantly] delights in mercy and lovingkindness. 

He shall again have compassion on us;
He will subdue and tread underfoot our wickedness [destroying sin’s power].
Yes, You will cast all our sins

Into the depths of the sea. 

Forgiveness is an act of love

I don't know if God allowing me to have a mentally ill mother has anything to do with this recent experience of forgiving a son of His, to actually prepare me for this rare experience of forgiveness. Even to my own mother, God never deliberately asked me to forgive, this intensely. 

But the fact that He supernaturally asked me to pray for this son of His, before I even met him, before I even knew him, takes me back to the notion that, God sees everything, we don't -- we don't know what sh*t happened in people's lives, but He does. 

Months later when He asked me to forgive, and made sure I got it by giving me John 13 twice in June, tells me that He knows way, way beyond what I (a finite, created being) know. And in September when He showed me through a night vision what He meant with the wounds, who caused the wounds, as a confirmation to what He revealed in January, I stand in awe of Him.

God is sovereign. Always. 

 

With bruised heels: Walk. Stand. Run.

Just the past month I saw a couple of friends have to walk with a crutch for the next weeks, after a bicycle ride accident. I'm unfortunately not that of a sporty person enough to deal with foot injuries. But as someone born with high-arched feet I'm usually advised to wear footwear with a certain platform, at least 2-cm heels or an elevated flat platform.  Wearing flats for hours, like the whole day, rather pains my legs. Or when I injured my knee in a frisbee game years ago -- I literally had to stop my driving lessons because it was just too painful to push the car break.  Foot injuries can that much interfere our simple day to day life. 

But have you had a bruised heel? I don't think I ever have.

Medically bruised heels are diagnosed by a sport medicine professional and when a fracture is suspected, one should undergo a routine x-ray or a bone scan. A heel bruise can be caused by a specific one-time incident or over time as a repetitive trauma (like running on the beach without footwear, or excessive body weight). You can find out more on other causes here.

Jesus had his heels bruised too, by the serpent. And by "bruise" here is metaphorical.

I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel. (Genesis 3:15, ESV).

And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel. (Genesis 3:15, NIV).

"Enmity" indicates blood feud between the snake and the woman's offspring.

Enmity and its synonyms "hostility," animosity, and animus all indicate deep-seated dislike or ill will. Enmity (which derives from an Anglo-French word meaning "enemy") suggests true hatred, either overt or concealed. Hostility implies strong, open enmity that shows itself in attacks or aggression. Animosity carries the sense of anger, vindictiveness, and sometimes the desire to destroy what one hates. Animus is generally less violent than animosity, but definitely conveys active prejudice or ill will.

(Merriam-Webster dictionary)

And the word "offspring" ("hu", Hebrew) indicates a masculine gender, referring to Jesus as the offspring of the woman. The snake's offspring were satan and his followers. 

Genesis 3:15 is a profound and remarkable verse -- it is the first revelation of a Savior.  

The heel bruising refers to Satan wounding Jesus, that leads to his death at the cross.  But Jesus crushed Satan's head.  The Amplified Bible emphasizes the contrast, “And you shall [only] bruise His heel.” -- the heel bruising is in contrast to the head crushing. Satan bruised Jesus's heel, but Jesus had the ultimate victory by crushing Satan's head, defeating Satan forever. This is fulfilled in Jesus' ultimate victory at the cross, defeating Satan and sin.

Lurking to bruise us

So, Satan is actually a defeated foe. But the enmity between Satan and God's children remains. Until Satan is thrown "into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever", he will still be lurking around. Just as our spiritual enemy bruised Jesus' heels, he will also bruise ours. 

He would continuously try to inflict wounds, he wants us stuck in guilt, bondage, shame; anything that keeps us from moving forward in our walk with God.  

 

 

1. Walk

We were designed to have two feet. Have you ever wondered... this design works well to support our body weight, as we walk, jump, run, squat, kick, paddle, tiptoe. Our feet support our entire body, and maintain posture and overall wellbeing. 

All of this intricate architecture comes into play every time we take a step. In a normal, healthy gait, the heel hits the ground first. The calcaneus and a layer of fatty tissue underneath it absorb some of the impact. As the foot rolls forward on its outside edge, the intrinsic muscles of the sole of the foot give way a little and a band of tissue along the bottom of the foot, called the plantar fascia, stretches out. Then the weight moves to the ball of the foot and over the joints formed by the metatarsals and the first, or proximal, phalanges. Finally, we get leverage by pushing off on our big toes, while the Achilles’ tendon lifts our heels. (Harvard Health Publishing)

"Walking" is often used in the Bible as a language to describe our relationship with God. David "walked" with God. Moses "walked" with God. God "walked" in the garden with Adam and Eve.  

And in this walk with God there are oppositions from a real enemy who wants to trample us down. Time and time Satan seeks to bruise the heels of God's servants and thwart God's plan. 

On the Sunday of 21st March 2021 I was helped particularly by Brian Houston to look back at Satan's attack on me happened in November 2020 -- it happened in natural realm, so I didn't relate that to a spiritual attack. Satan tried to bruise my heels and thwart God's plan for me here in this new country.

Psalm 119:105 tells us that we are to walk with His word "a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path". Stay in step with Him on the path, and He will guide us avoid unnecessary detours.

So, let's have a walk?

2. Stand firm

I recently read Exodus 14 with a renewed sense of awe -- especially at verse 17:

And I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. Then I will gain honor by means of Pharaoh and all his army and chariots and horsemen.

The past months I was encouraged by simple Sunday sermons that.... so outstanding, how they reflected what God was revealed to me, in my journey praying for someone I grew care about, in the preceding months.  I got goosebumps reading this text, as God has the power to harden one's heart -- but it all leads to the same purpose, what glorifies Him most. 

In my journey walking with God I am not alone. It would've been much, much easier to walk away. But in here, I sense His pointing, to stand firm. He is fighting for me. And He will show me, how He would "gain honor", be glorified, through all this.

Stand firm. He has won the battle.

3. Run

There are times where we need to run, to flee from Satan's trap, running from evil. And run toward Jesus instead.

In 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 "run" is described as a race. God calls us to finish the race He has marked out for us. He has designed that lane for our feet to travel. 

Let's stay on course, and fulfill our God-given purposes in this life. Even when our heels are bruised, we have the authority to crush Satan's head. He can injure us, but he can't touch our soul, he can't take us out. In Christ, we have already won the race!

----------------------------------------------------

• What does Genesis 3:15 mean that “he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel”? https://www.gotquestions.org/crush-head-bruise-heel.html 
• Walking with Bruised Heels, Laynie Travis.   
• Special section: Feet: How your feet work - and three steps for keeping them healthy. https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/Special-section-Feet-How-your-feet-work---and-three-steps-for-keeping-them-healthy
  
• The foot-body connection: How your feet affect your whole body. https://www.carecredit.com/newsletter/2020/march/the-foot-body-connection-how-your-feet-affect-your-whole-body/
  

 

 

HEAL LOUDLY = Holy Spirit x (a life autopsy + honesty before God and His people) x grace

She may have lived in a totally different era centuries ago, but I've never learned more from a woman's attitude towards pain and faith than I have from Naomi. 

I've never been married, but I could see myself following my husband's lead should he be called to a different continent/country. At least that's what I saw Naomi did. Her husband took her out of Bethlehem, to avoid a famine. But, when they managed to leave famine, Naomi ended up only to lose her husband -- and then, she also outlived her two sons. All happened within 10 years. Looking at myself; even fifteen years later my dad's death can still give me that pang of pain. I can't imagine of Naomi's, losing a husband and two sons, being left alone in a foreign land, all within a decade.

 

He can take it.

Naomi's departing message to both her daughters-in-law was heartbreaking. She tried so hard to convince them, how useless it would be for them to stick with her, leaving Moab to return to Bethlehem.  But Ruth persisted.

⁷ With her two daughters-in-law she left the place where she had been living and set out on the road that would take them back to the land of Judah.

⁸ Then Naomi said to her two daughters-in-law, “Go back, each of you, to your mother’s home. May the Lord show you kindness, as you have shown kindness to your dead husbands and to me. ⁹ May the Lord grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband.”

Then she kissed them goodbye and they wept aloud ¹⁰ and said to her, “We will go back with you to your people.”

¹¹ But Naomi said, “Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands? ¹² Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband. Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons— ¹³ would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me!”

¹⁴ At this they wept aloud again. Then Orpah kissed her mother-in-law goodbye, but Ruth clung to her.

 

(Ruth 1)

 

When they reached Bethlehem Ruth's arrival stirred the people in the city -- she'd been gone for 10 years and now back in town with a foreign woman. In front of these people Naomi openly showed her bitterness; that it was all on God.   

¹⁹ So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them, and the women exclaimed, “Can this be Naomi?”

²⁰ “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. ²¹ I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.”

(Ruth 1)

 

And God can take it. 

I think it's in line with His character, how He wants us to speak to Him, to be honest and raw with Him -- so, that makes sense to me, if God can take my bitterness towards Him. 

God is not contradictory, so both truths are logical and consistent; if He is a Person who wants to speak with me and be raw with me, then He must be able to also take in what I "throw" at Him, including my resentment and bitterness.

 

 

 

Life autopsy : a deliberate look at our wounds

Humans are complex beings. How we react towards pain, problems, how we develop our defense mechanism, is a lot of the byproduct of our childhood, upbringing.

As a daughter with a Narcissistic Mother mother, I know what I'm saying.

Narcissistic mothers do not know how to love other people, but themselves. When they show a hint of "love" towards others, it usually involves their son. 

Liam (not his real name) was a guy I first dated in my early 20s. There's nothing special about his physical appearance, average height of Asian men, with longish face he looks nerdy (if a PhD has anything to do with that). I knew as a woman I can nurture my feelings for him, so I went into exclusively seeing him without having any special feelings towards him.  But after a couple of years I still had nothing for him, despite we could talk about anything, politics, social, economy, religion/theology.  But the message on relationships that my own mother gave me in my early 20s, when I had to end things with Liam, was: "You don't need to love him -- but you have to make sure, he loves you."

What makes me happy, what's best for me, matters not to my mother. Every relationship that had to end since, and all the bad things happened in my life, my mother blames me for each of them. Too educated, too westernized, don't look too pretty, don't be too ambitious in your career, are just those things she says that I grew with, even to this very day.

I deserve a healthy mother, God. She's getting worse, God, and psychology literature I read so far, nothing records any mother is healed from this syndrome, God. Why didn't You give me healthy parents, God, when You also allowed me me go through so much in life already?

At least I saw Naomi also did that, Naomi did a life autopsy -- she pointed out the moments in her life where it hurt.

²⁰ “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. ²¹ I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.”

(Ruth 1)

This is the part where she was being honest before God -- and His people -- that those things that happened did hurt me: when my husband died, when I had to bury my two sons, I was grieving at the same time I failed to understand why I had to experience all this. This is all what God did to me. "... the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me."

Hesed : share your pain with "safe person"

Naomi shared her bitterness towards God in front of a group of people. From this I see an example, that to heal up our wounds we actually need to share our wounds with God's people. It can also be interpreted further that, by doing so we can hope for the hesed of God's people, to heal.

This hesed is one of the topics strongly shown in the entire book of Ruth.

Many biblical words such as mercy, compassion, love, grace, and faithfulness relate to the Hebrew word hesed (חֶסֶד), but none of these completely summarize the concept. Hesed is not merely an emotion or feeling but involves action on behalf of someone who is in need. Hesed describes a sense of love and loyalty that inspires merciful and compassionate behavior toward another person.

Hesed, found some 250 times in the Old Testament, expresses an essential part of God’s character. When God appeared to Moses to give the Law a second time, He described Himself as “abounding in” or “filled with” hesed, which is translated “love and faithfulness,” “unfailing love,” “faithful love,” “steadfast love,” and “loyal love,” depending on the Bible version (Exodus 34:6–7). The core idea of this term communicates loyalty or faithfulness within a relationship. Thus, hesed is closely related to God’s covenant with His people, Israel. As it relates to the concept of love, hesed expresses God’s faithfulness to His people. ...

While God’s faithful love [hesed] is eternal and limitless, humans, too, can express hesed to one another. As in the case of Jonathan and David (1 Samuel 18:3; 20:8; 2 Samuel 9:1, 3, 7), hesed motivates one person, the superior or more powerful party, to supply a critical need to the lesser or weaker person. Acts of hesed are always performed freely, under no obligation or fear of reprisal. The inspiration behind hesed is born of the relationship between the two parties. Boaz describes Ruth’s kindness toward him and Naomi as hesed (Ruth 3:10).

(gotquestions.org)
 

When we share our wounds with others we can expect hesed of God's people.  In Naomi's case these people seemed to continue calling her "Naomi" and not "Mara", as "Mara" is not mentioned again in other parts of the book.

The trick to sharing our wounds with God's people is, I find, how to identify our "safe person" -- those you can trust with your story. God may place people around you; you name it, classmates, church friends, childhood friends in your neighborhood you grew up with, or acquaintances that become friends. But you need to identify those who are your "safe person". In the sea of people we often refer as "friends", not many we can be raw with.

 

Instant healing is uncommon; most healing takes a process. And the enemy is always lurking to prevent you from healing.

My own story of healing is unique. Because it happened through an "instant" revelation of a passage in my usual daily scripture reading when I wasn't really looking for any answers or solutions to my wounds. (To read the story of my healing, click here.)

As I thought about it the more I realize that the work of the Holy Spirit and God's grace is needed in the healing process -- be it a rather instant one, or where a long detour is involved (because we avoid to deal head on with it). 

Most of us may read God's word routinely and memorize verses in the Bible. But it takes the Holy Spirit to make the dead written words alive and jumps out at us with a heavenly revelation, making the words meaningful and relevant to our situation. It is all to happen by His grace.

Yet, in the same breath, it takes us to be willing and open for the work of the Holy Spirit, for healing, for corrections. 

Our pain and wounds can be a place of comfort zone -- and the enemy is more than happy to use that, to trick us. The spirits of familiarity would tell us these lies, "God is love, you don't have to change. It's painful to deal with your wounds. Just stay where you are. God is love, He won't be mad at you." The enemy is so smart!

Heal loudly. And fulfill God's destiny for you. 

I recently learn to say these prayers, that might be useful for your healing journey:

I cancel every demonic strategy against me and the ones I am called to be connected with, to be covered by, or to cover. 

Holy Spirit, defeat any opposition, limiting beliefs others put on me; and oppositions that come from myself, my own fears, insecurities and inferiorities. 

"... I will go." (Ruth 1:16) to the higher calling of God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

An anti-racism Creator : Why heaven is a place of diversity

 

When I think of Diversity I can't but to look closely at where I came from: my own parents.  

My paternal Opa married my half-Dutch Oma (sadly, she died at a very young age in a car accident), after he migrated to Java (Indonesia's most populated island) when he was much younger, from the Moluccas.  That made practically all of their children knew very little of the Moluccas; like my own dad who was born in Semarang (Central Java). My mom is traditionally Javanese, but her father had Chinese roots -- my mom and her siblings are fair-skinned, but I think my mom looks most oriental. My parents had totally different racial backgrounds, but also social economic; my dad came from a rich business family, while my mom's parents were humble small town's attorney and teacher.

Growing up as mixed kids, my brother and I had never been strong in a particular tradition of any of our parents, although at home we ate more of Javanese/Chinese food, and my mom speaks in Javanese with her family. Living in Jakarta my brother and I didn't grow up alongside our cousins from both sides of our parents, making us even naturally loosely attached to our parents' families and racial influences.

Black haired, brown skinned, western name

By now I have lived in four different countries (with 20 million inhabitants Jakarta is by far the largest city I've ever lived in).  Believe me when I say, I know Racism does exist. 

Being a minority in the world's fourth most populous country (that also easily makes it the world's largest Moslem population), even while I spent most of my life in a bubble (attending Christian private schools my whole life) I did experience discrimination on the basis of my religion/faith in my home-country.

In November 2020 I had been newly arrived in Munich for a couple of weeks when I was verbally attacked by a random woman in a supermarket. When she said "Southeast Asia" or "Southeast Asian" in her rants, we would know how such comments are made based on physical attributes -- in this case, my black hair and brown skin, still distinctively noticeable behind my mouth mask and puffer jacket.

I had to go back and analyzed the incident, how it went down, why it made me feel how I felt (shocked, blaming myself, the 'I'm not wanted here' narrative), what would I do differently if anything was changed in the situation.  But even with diversity running in my vein and life experiences in four different countries, with the many diverse environments I had been in, I still couldn't find answers to most of those questions I asked myself. 

So, probably Racism is a topic I never really had to wrestle with my whole life. 

Counter-intuitive and an intentional decision

I had to move into a student dorm by December 1st. Just days later I made a conscious decision to go back to the same supermarket, for the first time since the attack. Only then it dawned on me, the attack may have affected me more than I realized, and probably more than I wanted to admit (because it tells me that I was actually avoiding that supermarket the past weeks, and that I was still looking around with worry that the perpetrator might be there lurking to attack me again). With that, I thought, I need to share this experience with someone else, so I'm not isolated as I began to realize that I need to be counter-intuitive.

Being able to share this bad experience to someone was perhaps the first intentional decision I made to deal with the racial attack. 

The second intentional decision was to report the incident to relevant organization(s) that could take the story farther than my own reach of influence, to other victims and other people in the society. 

In this word "intentional" I find the basis of my course of actions in fighting Racism:

in·ten·tion·al | \ in-ˈtench-nəl : done by intention or design.

(Merriam Webster Dictionary)

In my scripture reading around the second week of January 2021 I was astounded by the  evidences how our Creator is a God of unity and of diversity.  Not only that, He actually dreams of a place of people from all skin colors, all hair colors, all eye colors and languages and races and nations. It's called heaven.

• For God shows no partiality. (Romans 2:11)
• ... My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations... (Mark 11:17)
  

But as much as we need to be intentional in speaking God's truth into ourselves, I think we also need to be intentional when it comes to speaking up, fighting against what we believe are against God's values.

So, if we know from scriptures, heaven will be a diverse place, or that God's grace is made available to all people of all tribes/languages -- it's obvious how Diversity is God's plan and dream. Then we also need to and can be intentional in fighting for these values.

How diverse is our pool of friends? Do we pursue friendships with people from different generation, of different age groups, come from other countries, who speak different language? Do we invite diverse people into our home?

And I think... the fact that we can't ever eradicate Racism completely, only emphasizes more on the need for us, God's people, to speak up against it.

" ... and with your blood you purchased for God, persons from every tribe and language and people and nation. ... " (Revelation 5)

By reporting the incident to organization(s) that have the avenues and access, I hoped to make the incident recorded for far-reaching purposes of raising awareness, educating the public, and challenging minds and status quo.

====================================================

Entries published on the racial attack I experienced in November 2020:

Some entries written were initiated by Before München about my racial attack incident: 

• An article written in the Süddeutsche Zeitung :
https://www.sueddeutsche.de/muenchen/muenchen-rassismus-hasskriminalitaet-corona-1.5236867

• A Facebook post by Before München on their account.
https://www.facebook.com/235962860432227/posts/720041165357725/

• A tabloid post of Münchner Merkur.
https://www.tz.de/sport/olympia/muenchen-coronavirus-rassismus-opferberatungsstelle-zr-90247755.html

• A post on the website of München Chronik.
https://muenchen-chronik.de/dezember-2021-rassistischer-uebergriff-im-supermarkt/

• Before München 2020 annual paper and press release: https://www.before-muenchen.de/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/PM-BEFORE-Beratungsbilanz-2020.pdf