Love has a name, so does Forgiveness: When God put a name to my Forgiveness.

Have you ever been in a situation, where, being able to name a particular unusual and challenging situation in your life, actually helps you to deal with it? That, how it doesn't change the unusual situation/person, but it does help you to cope, after you are able to put a name on it?

I have.

Perhaps, "When we suffer, we seek answers." (TD Jakes) helps to give insights, why we (or I) deliberately put in efforts, to put a name on a difficult situation we can't wrap our head around.

You just don't know. 

For a man in his 50s, and a CEO minus-1 (a direct report to the CEO), my soft-spoken American ex-boss doesn't seem to fit into the typical stereotypes of men of his age and his type of role. When I lived in Singapore I was practically surrounded by Americans, and I could use one hand, how many of them are soft-spoken. But in 2019, even in any given year in modern corporate world, my ex-boss just doesn't make decisions as fast as he should, as he procrastinates and seems to be even almost paralyzed in the face of urgency, being required to make one. Common that people would sit in some hours long meeting with him could end up leaving the meeting without clear directions on what actions to take for impending business issues. This side of him also creates other implications in the team, making the department known as one of the most toxic ones to work in.

I wish I could see my ex-boss in a different role, instead as a boss. But his unusual behavior (for someone in that role) does make him a bad boss. 

I could use one hand to count, how many such unusual situations or people I have ever encountered in my life. And these situations or people would usually drive me to turn to Psychology for insights.

This particular situation with my ex-boss took me to the dichotomy of alpha, beta male. That beta males are actually controlling, just like the alphas. Amazing how psychologists spend decades to study and research on human behavior.

I may take it as another opportunity to learn about life, about people, I thought I've seen and experienced enough, learning yet another outlier, another unusual situation, another unusual personality or behavior, but I also remembered being... humbled. 

After being this old, after living in four different countries and meeting people from all walks of life, I still need to learn about myself (my own wounds came from my mother), about all these "symptoms" that we display of, actually, a lot of pain, of "I'm afraid." or of "I'm hurt." or "I'm bored." or "I'm insignificant."

As odd as the situations or person could be, in this fallen world you just don't know; you just don't know what sh*t happened in people's past, what broke them, that make them display unusual behaviors now, just like this fallen world has marred our own life.

What had happened to you?

The past year I would look at the person I care so much about, and wondered, What happened to you? 

In January 2021 in my devotional readings God spoke to me about wounds, this was one of the things He first revealed to me, even though my intercession started in mid November 2020.

I already sensed the triggers, but it was a 50/50 chance. Until, when God revealed something to me in September of last year, that question has become even more specific since, What happened to you? What did she do to you?

God is sovereign, even in the worst life situations that you simply can't wrap your head around.

Such situations would only enlarge your perspectives and views of situations and people. Such situations could make you rise above people of your generation, because the more unique the bad experience is, the more rare, so less people would have come across it. And that's a superpower. 

One of the things I enjoy hearing people's life stories is, also learning from the unusual situations they encountered. 

I find this habit, really humbling, and liberating, to make me being able to say, "We just don't know.", or "It's a mystery.".

But psychology as a knowledge does help us to give us insights, so we can put a name on what we are going through, to be able to see it from a larger point of view, and take necessary actions -- such as our obedience to forgive.

Forgiveness is an act of love

This is me sharing the most precious gift I received last year, that God showed me, how love is defined by forgiveness I was able to extend, again and again.

I wasn't looking for forgiveness, I wasn't looking to forgive at all. So when I received John 13 in June, I was more of... yeah, sure. Until a couple of weeks later, God gave me John 13 again in a separate occasion -- I repented, as I sensed He wanted to make sure, that I forgive.

Only after the second time John 13 was given to me, I made a deliberate effort to read more on forgiveness and here are the insights. 

1. "Love switch"

A writer calls it a "love switch" -- this switch doesn't turn off when the pain is inflicted, when the offense happened. "Instead, internally you wrestle with the emotions of love and the conflicting emotion of hate. Your love for the offender fuels the question, why?" (Betrayed, Bettye Nicole, www.bettyenicole.org)

I didn't know that I have this switch.

2. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)

I think, forgiveness does not mean, the offense never happened. But, "Forgiveness excuses the offender. ... The fact that we forgive someone of their sin towards us, does not make the sin okay." (Psychology of Forgiveness, Kanayo Dike-Oduah, www.doctorkanayo.com)

Just like how He sees us, and not our sins.

CBT is a technique we can practice when memories of the offence bring back feelings of anger, bitterness. In light of biblical truth, the CBT technique is synonymous with 2 Corinthians 10:5; taking thoughts captive.

"Christian CBT acknowledges the activating event (the offence), the behavioral response (the anger, emotional despair) and the consequences (prolonged bitterness and negative thoughts). Yet as believers we dispute these negative thoughts far beyond how conventional psychology says we should. We don't simply dispute by asking whether it is logical, practical or evidence-driven to think this way. Christian CBT compels us to take captive (known as 'thought-catching' in CBT) these negative thoughts and memories that do not align with the truth of God's word and bring them to the obedience of Christ."

It's probably similar to, each time my mentally ill mother verbally abused me, I would tell myself, This is not her, this is her condition doing that to her.

But I was also reminded, not to be hard on myself -- that my brain is functioning as normal. It's the command to forgive that is abnormal to the flesh. 

3.  Make new memories

We can make conscious efforts to decide, how to respond to our memories (of the offense), and how to be intentional about forming new memories. 

"Creating new memories will do two things: it will weaken the existing neural connections in your brain from the negative experience that you had and form new neural connections for the positive experiences that you will intentionally create." (Psychology of Forgiveness, Kanayo Dike-Oduah, www.doctorkanayo.com).

I'm personally encouraged to be reminded, that there were incidents in the OT we can see how sins angered God too. But He has compassion on us, again and again (Micah 7:18-19).

Who is a God like You, who forgives wickedness
And passes over the rebellious acts of the remnant of His possession?
He does not retain His anger forever,
Because He [constantly] delights in mercy and lovingkindness. 

He shall again have compassion on us;
He will subdue and tread underfoot our wickedness [destroying sin’s power].
Yes, You will cast all our sins

Into the depths of the sea. 

Forgiveness is an act of love

I don't know if God allowing me to have a mentally ill mother has anything to do with this recent experience of forgiving a son of His, to actually prepare me for this rare experience of forgiveness. Even to my own mother, God never deliberately asked me to forgive, this intensely. 

But the fact that He supernaturally asked me to pray for this son of His, before I even met him, before I even knew him, takes me back to the notion that, God sees everything, we don't -- we don't know what sh*t happened in people's lives, but He does. 

Months later when He asked me to forgive, and made sure I got it by giving me John 13 twice in June, tells me that He knows way, way beyond what I (a finite, created being) know. And in September when He showed me through a night vision what He meant with the wounds, who caused the wounds, as a confirmation to what He revealed in January, I stand in awe of Him.

God is sovereign. Always.