Be Found in the Kiss : right in the season where He knows I wouldn't survive without.

A kiss is a very personal act; a powerful one. 

A kiss can be an act of respect; I knew that because I grew up giving my parents goodbye kiss every time I went out to leave the house. And when I came back from outside in to the house, I had to say "I'm home." and gave my parents a kiss too.  But did you know that two thousand years ago there was a woman wet Jesus's feet with her tears and then wiped them with her hair and kissed them and poured perfume on them? What kind of a kiss was that?

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little. (Luke 7:47, NIV)

That act of intimate kiss was a sign of a great love, Jesus recognizes; she had shown Him much love. So, I think Christine Caine got it right when she argues, this expression of much love matters to Him. 

 

Be found in the kiss:  for this season of life He knows I wouldn't survive without His kiss of anointing and revelation

I spent Friday and Saturday the 12th and 13th March 2021 with a sister, for our first Colour Conference, "Be Found in the Kiss".  But my own heavenly kiss(es) was given graciously to me a month ahead of the conference -- as He hasn't stopped speaking to me since I arrived in this city.  

Arriving in a time of pandemic -- being on my own most of the time, adjusting in a new city and country, hit by a cruel incident just within two weeks, which happened just days before He gave me a rare task (so rare that it scared me, so rare that even Google has no clues) -- He knew it from the very beginning that I need Him to speak to me.

And so He has been, including these two heavenly kisses of revelation just a month before the conference:

1. A kiss: "... with My loving eye on you."

 

Monday the 8th February 2021 was particularly more meaningful to me than it was in past years, because it marks the fifteenth year of my dad’s passing. But I started that week, crying for a different reason. That start of the week I found myself bitter, angry, as I was accusing God... of wanting to hurt me. I began being suspicious of God’s intentions since the day before, Sunday the 7th.
 

He trusts me with a special task that started in the third week of November 2020 -- I expected it to have ended by, latest, first week of February. But it didn’t. (if you notice the irony: it’s His task, yet I was the one with a deadline in mind. Sighs).

And so I began to accuse Him of having the intention to hurt me. I had been holding grudges against Him for three days then, when His kiss came on Tuesday the 9th February.  That morning, I started to tear up as I read Psalm 32:8.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
    I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

I wept in repentance and in awe of His answer. Of course. Silly me. Of course He would never harm me. Of course He would never hurt me.

But as if it wasn’t enough, what He told me through Psalm 32:8 wasn’t the only kiss in that start of the week. 

 

2. A kiss: "... a valentine to a faithless world"

By Wednesday the 10th February it had been about a couple of days too then, I had been haunted by these phrases from a song: This world is Yours... My God, this world is Yours.

Only on that snowy Wednesday at around 2 AM, as soon as I was woken up the phrases were in my head again.  Before I began to pray I thought I should look it up. It’s a Hillsong’s own; “Valentine” is about Him pursuing “every wayward heart”, He is a “valentine to a faithless world”. 

• Literally this world and everything in it, there is nothing that he couldn't say "Mine" to. Because all is His. I am His, just as the person He asks me to pray for, is His too. 
• If I could grow care about someone just because I have been asked so intensely to pray for that person, what I have for the person is still a minuscule compared to His much greater love for this person.
  

How could a God who owns this universe love so much.

Be found in the kiss: for the hard work in harvest time.

Right after this incident at Simon's house "Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God." (Luke 8:1) Do you know who were with Him? Not just The Twelve, but apparently also some women "who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means."

Jesus calls women for His cause too, or as Christine Caine puts it, Jesus "activated" women, they followed Him on a mission -- "we've been found in the kiss, but there's so many more to be reached and restored."

I think that resonates with me; I spent some number of years ministering to marginalized women.  I knew by statistics of that particular profile of people in that location alone where I was, there's way so many more to be reached and restored.

Since the screen puts up Caine's profile as she began speaking, I was actually amazed how "fitting" (for the lack of word) she is as a founder of A21; she doesn't look 55 in the first place, and to know that she founded A21 when she was 40 that just astonished me. The fact that I enjoyed her expository style (something I rarely find in this Sunday family I've been part of only since November 2020) and her passionate speech style, is quite refreshing to me personally.

The current rare task He trusts me with may still be daunting to me, emotionally draining, physically taxing; a rare task that I never know when it would end, and I may never know the why behind it. But I realize, other missions are out there and coming too, and still, the workers are few. By His grace He chose me to work in this harvest time, and I've seen how His mercy sustains me, but I'm made aware that I would always need His heavenly kiss of divine encounters and revelation and anointing, in this season of hard work for the harvest.

 

The look of LGBT "friendliness" in our obvious diversity

The email titled "the UK's least LGBTQ friendly universities". I recently reread this few months' old email with fresher eyes.  

I guess I never took the topic on a personal level. Until after I sat in with my other family in Singapore a couple of months ago as they were on the series of sexual ethics, the sermon on gender and creation has since brought about new insights into my small world. 

Gender: at the beginning

It was interesting how in Matthew 19 Jesus took the Pharisees back to creation, how God created male and female, when he was giving them his answer on divorce. In my limited knowledge I could only think, that divorce, and LGBT issues in our today's society, are not "this way from the beginning" (v. 8).  But in our attempts in understanding how things are very different today, we can't but take God's original intention into consideration. 

I think I could grasp what Si was trying to say; that although Jesus affirms how clear the Bible is on the binary nature of gender (male and female), the Bible is not necessarily being specific on gender stereotypes. While bearded men could be seen masculine in some parts of the world, does not mean all men should be football fans and drink beers to show their true manhood. I could get that it's almost all cultural that binds gender stereotypes. But I think it's unfortunately too common that we get too caught up with these cultural traits.

In a fallen world: intersex and gender dysphoria 

While Jesus affirms that gender is binary (referring to Genesis) and that is still to be followed today, He then mentioned that there are some people to whom the rule doesn't apply.  

The story of the midwife who saves intersex babies makes this real. There are people born with sex that does not fit into the typical male or female gender -- some examples, those born with XXY chromosome, or some having DNA opposite with their natural genitalia. And many of such cases manifested only later in their lives. 

The other group of people struggle with gender dysphoria as they experience discomfort, feeling a mismatch between their assigned sex and their gender identity. They do have a clear assigned anatomy or chromosomes, either male or female, yet they sense their gender differently with how they actually are biologically/anatomically.  These sense or feeling, I try to grasp, can be so strong, that not surprisingly these people struggle with the distress are prone to commit suicide. 

The Hope

Source: bogor.tribunnews.com

With awareness, comes action. So, I thought I could do a couple of things, more of real actions, besides a changed perspective: 

1. Less judgment, more empathy 

11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” (Matthew 19:11-12)

For someone with very little information on and exposure to transgender people, those dealing with intersex, gender dysphoria, or same-sex attraction, to have learned that there's a shared commonality between me and the sufferers has helped me a lot that to have empathy for them is not as hard as I imagined.

It's almost like, you were sitting in front of a doctor and being told that you had a physical anomaly, a medical condition of which the cause is still unknown -- I've been there. So, rather than making a quick judgment that this group of people brought it all on themselves, I think I now know better that their suffering is far from self-inflicted, "... who were born that way...".    

34 The eunuch asked Philip, “Tell me, please, who is the prophet talking about, himself or someone else?” (Acts 8:34)

Secondly, because it's one of the loneliest places one can be in. As someone who's gone through a lot I've been in loneliest places uncommon for any average person of my generation. But the study has helped me to look into the eunuch's perspective as he was reading about Someone who seemed to have suffered so much; as if he thought, it's almost impossible to comprehend any other worse sufferings could have existed than his.  
     

2.  Who else?   

In a fallen world that seems can't surprise us anymore with unusual medical anomalies, strange human behaviors and tendencies, who else should these sufferers get to know the true hope from, if not us as image bearers? 

I think it perfectly makes sense that these sufferers at some point cross path with us on Sunday services, considering their prevalent number. I hope they could keep on coming and sit with us. 

Keeping up with the kardashians, or ellens

Not just educational institutions. I've seen world's top consulting companies led in openly and proudly advertising how they embrace gay employees. In our context and environment I don't even know how it looks like to befriend a sufferer of intersex, or gender dysphoria, but I think we have a different kind of "friendliness" for them in our obvious diversity as image bearers. And a study on the eunuchs is an example that we could start the discussion, and end the avoidance on the topic. 

Despite all these.

Several years ago already a few things struck me in the Captivating book.  One of them being the revelation how Lucifer, the devil, makes the woman a special target, as the book's Chapter 5 describes "A Special Hatred", how then that helps me to understand his attacks against me, a woman, deeply loved by God and deeply hated by him, God's enemy. 

One of the devil's attacks on women is the fear that we will be left alone, abandoned, from the day of the woman's birth. To every woman he has whispered, 'You are alone', or 'No one will ever truly come for you'. He arranges for her to be abandoned, and he puts his spin on every event he can make to make it seem like abandonment.

At least I know I have every reason falling for that fear he's been planting in me:

1. Fatherless
A backslider for many years till he died, my late father was not a saint. But I knew I was always his little girl. There are millions of fatherless daughters in this world, but still, when it happened in my 20s, it is not so common even now to be fatherless, assuming your father was in his late 40s, although men die in a younger and younger age these days. The fact that you do not have an earthly father, a symbol of breadwinner, a protector in a family, can make you feel alone and abandoned. Wait till you hear a story of my friend, how boyfriends ditched her, after finding out that she had an ill father (her dad then passed away, but we think, those guys simply don't want to be dragged into her life, potentially sharing the responsibility of taking care of a bed-ridden father-in-law).        

2. A controlling mother
A British guy told me, his late mother was controlling over his sister.  So, definitely this is not about culture.  In my mother's small world exerting too much control over me and situations surround her seems natural and being one the things she has left to hold on to tightly now, can lead to stress when she looses it. I often times asked friends or acquaintances with psychology background on this, I believe, mental illness -- partly curiosity, partly because I was born and raised in a country with no evident support to children in this situation, so I always try to gather as much knowledge as possible.  
Studies show the damage is for life and now in my 30s I begin to see the damages it has caused, all the more the situation makes me feel alone. PS: In case you need to know what a controlling mother looks like, here can be a good starting place :-)

3. Reverse culture shock
Last week I was very blessed to have spoken briefly to someone who has gone through a reverse culture shock period herself, going on 3.5 years now for her. Coming back to your home-country after being abroad is not easy and a lonely place to be. People here expect you to understand, instantly, all the changes happened when you were away, forgetting that you yourself have changed during that period (x years or x months, is irrelevant). 

Despite all these things...

When last Sunday I heard Jordan on stage speaking of this topic, I know it wasn't particularly heavy or doctrinal whatsoever, but it was very relevant to me. Isn't the invisible God so gracious, to remind the forgetful me, how He took me back to the very fact that I am never alone, because He simply doesn't let me. 

Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ... Despite all the no human way out situations, ... despite all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Because ... nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. ... neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow...

Revisited: The call to a counterintuitive life in our century

To leave the comfort of your boat and walk on water, it was counterintuitive. 

And remember that guy who left his family in Ur Kaśdim for an unknown destination; it was counterintuitive. 

To die for the people who betrayed you in the first place, that was major counterintuitive. 

That was only You, God, and those biblical heroes could do such things. I don't think many of Your teachings are applicable in this day and age, I oftentimes argue. Or they are, but it's just too hard, barely possible to implement. 

The faceless culture of corporate world.  The profit-oriented nature of businesses.  The competitiveness that aims to see your competitor(s) as an enemy to eliminate. Value people in high places.  Evaluate one's worth of our attention based on how they look, speak.

If you come to think of it, how could one cope with the 2 forces of abiding with His teachings and remaining to make sense in this current world we live in.


In a dog-eat-dog world: human nature
 

We're on the third session of Christ in Synoptic Gospels class with the family I've been attending and last week we touched on His teachings. 

It was made clear to us that, not only He knew how to be relevant to His audience -- a prostitute, a group of knowledgeable religious leaders, widows, you name it -- in His 100% man and 100% God nature, Christ has the perfect understanding of our human nature. 

I was thinking, if our fallen human nature has robbed from us the joy of living a counterintuitive calling, then perhaps it doesn't really matter whether you live in this century, or 10 centuries ago, or decades in the future, putting into practice the counterintuitive teachings of Christ would always have its own challenges.

We may have different distractions, different cultural biases, now in this lifetime.  It doesn't necessarily mean that the people in Jesus' era and environment were in a better situation.  This counterintuitive life we are called to remains challenging across generations.  Hence, in the same breath His counterintuitive teachings should remain relevant and applicable to any audience in any given era.

What do You think my heart is made of?

If my heart could ache so much striving to live a counterintuitive life amidst the distorted perspectives, selfish ambitions, fallen systems in a fallen world, all the more His missional heart... who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth (1 Tim. 2:4).

 









  

If I were a boy (oh the gifts He chose to bestow on us)

Earlier today I was with a group in a study on Christ in the Synoptic Gospels with the family I've been attending since I'm back home.  I heard a friend asking the class, what made God decide that Israel is His chosen nation. 

Well, I've been taking this online course on Behavioral Science and getting this insight on how our mind is not as 'deep' as we thought -- the behavioral science calls it a "flat mind".  The scientists back it up with years of extensive research obviously, but it's a thought-provoking to hear the impact that they propose: we make our choices based on  experience and from how we see other people make theirs and behave. 

If someone asks me why I like a particular brand of coffee, for example, all the answer I could come up with, according to behavioral science, is all made up.  Because my mind would not have the 'depth' of knowing exactly why I like that brand.  In a nutshell. 

So, not only Israel as a nation, but all the way back to why He chose Jacob over Esau, I'm thinking, I could probably ask Him when I see Him, but for now I could 'only' trust His sovereignty -- because He's all-knowing, His choices and decision-making process must be perfect and way beyond my level of understanding.       

The "God-given" I've never wanted 

Similarly with the choices God made, I thought it applies to His "gifts" too.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "God-given" as "received as a gift from God". 

Funnily, the situations and people I believe He chose to bestow on me -- things we had no chance of choosing, hence as believers we believe they are "God-given" -- sometimes I find it harder to see His sovereignty in them: the family I was born into, my hair color and other physical traits, my nationality, my gender (if I were a boy!)... Or, what I'm most envious of as I often compare mine over others': the godly parents I never had. 



The "God-given" I wish I had 
 
I was leaving Singapore for the UK three years ago when my pastor's wife -- who is a PK (pastor's kid) -- said one thing that struck me; that she couldn't imagine how it feels to make important decisions in life as a young woman without the figure of a father. 

My earthly father was far from a God-fearing person to give a godly counsel, but ever since he died in 2006 I practically received no guidance from a father.  

I was talking about this to another PK friend of mine in Berlin last year.  She points out, how it's of a different blessing to be in my position, as God "compensates" godly parents I do not have with godly people He places around me.  My spiritual gift, too, of how Scriptures talk in my face and I use them as guidance in my decision-making is not something that everyone has. 

But if there's such thing called replacement or compensating gifts that God would ever give, I thought, it's always a means to take me back to Him, the Source of every good gift and perfect gift (James 1: 17), the Sustainer and the Provider.



... with My eye upon you. 

Psalm 32:8 was given to me through a vision December past, on my last Sunday in Berlin when a pastor's wife was praying over me.

Psalm 32:8

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

As a fatherless daughter I recently realized how I long for and often times intentionally seek  godly father-figure, and godly couple whom I could look up to -- maybe because that's what I've been trying to fulfill all my life -- like now when I am  deciding which home-group, or the family I'm now attending calls it a Life Group, to be part of.

But this verse reminds me again, that my heavenly Father will instruct me and teach me Himself and that's what I should seek and treasure above all.