speechless with sorrow

After two biz trips in a row over the past two weeks, I'm finally back in SG -- the aging society :) I think this 2-day medical leave is good for me. RIP Yasmin Ahmad. People change. Things have changed. Values are much different nowadays. But, Thy faithfulness and lovingkindness remain the same, today and forever. Hold me, through the stillness and the storm.

My dragonfly

The two men are having their meals. They're wearing the same attire; uniforms, white short-sleeved shirt with flying wings and badges on their shoulders, tie and black pants. Papa used to wear them too, but without those ranks, I fondly recalled. He was buried dressed in his uniform and his blazer... Cardiac arrest after his trip from Osaka had taken him away from me. It happened three years ago and... it's not so painful now, but still... sometimes I wonder what would happen if he was still with us. I would always be his princess... whom he'd always proud of. I grew up with touches and kisses from my parents, I used to sit on his lap even until I was a university student. But I know, to recover from my wounds that he caused after his betrayal to my mum, it takes way a long time... To heal my misbeliefs about men, even about myself. And God's been graciously and patiently working in me. I suddenly realized that one of the two men is staring back at me. I quickly looked away and made my move to the waiting lounge, for my flight that will take me out of the hectic Singapore for several days. I am only enabled to watch HBO movies on two conditions: I am hospitalized and I stay overnight at hotels. Haha. We have cable here at our apartment, but my flatmates decided to only order Mandarin channels -- while I'm more into Hollywood. Haha. Well, I seldom watch TV anyway, so I don't mind with that. In Dragonfly movie, Kevin Costner is a grieving doctor who lost his wife in a bus accident, deep in the forested areas in Venezuela where his doctor wife has been volunteering helping the people there. He tried to cope with his loss, just the same like I did. He worked 24hr a day, 7 day a week like crazy after her passing. Yet his boss asked him again and again to take a couple of month leave, because he needs to grieve. Maybe I never really took my time to grieve... I initally thought SG is a good place to swallow all my grief, but maybe I should've taken my time to cry and to lament over his passing. I know that we need to be present and not to embrace the past. Yet the sorrow still keeps coming back each time I look at the pictures, taken on his funeral service. Thank You, for this grief, Lord.

NUH

In Indonesian, "Nuh" means "Noah", the Prophet Noah.... Remember about "Noah's ark"? ^_________^

I had my volunteer training today... As Ms. Lina walked us around the children's wards, I felt... overwhelmed... I've been there for so many times, till I feel so familiar with the building, the corridors, the wards... even with the people there (the security guards, the door-men...).

I don't explore Singapore much... For you to know, I went to Sentosa Island, taking pictures with the Merlion, had a memorable journey at the Night Safari... I had them all done after living more than 2 years here. LOL. And it was just because I accompanied some friends from Indonesia. Hahahahaha. I think, I explore NUH more than I explore SG. ^__________^ I can show you around the hospital, where the DDI is, where Clinic D is, where the CC is, UDC, Endoscopy Centre, etc.

Glancing back, remembering the past... End of 2003, based on my MRI result, my gastroenterologist in Jakarta told me that there were some new "tumors" seen on my pancreas. He said, pancreatic cases are tough, one of the most aggressive tumors. He then gave us advice to seek medical help in Nederland.

Well... Europe is so far away there... and we've lost contacts with our relatives there. Besides, EURO is expensive... After some advices given by the aunties I knew at our church congregation, I headed for SG. A week after my graduation in February 2004, my journey as a patient in one of the restructured hospitals in SG has begun.

After making an online appointment, I came to NUH with my mum. Hhhmm... it was crowded, especially with the body-temperature checking at the front doors. But it wasn't difficult to find the clinics I went to -- Johns Hopkins and Urology Clinic.

The 1st specialist I met was Dr Lim Hong Liang. Wow... when I saw him, I was surprised. I was expecting someone who was old, "senior"... while he looked like... he was just graduated a month earlier from medical school. LOL. He looked young. And I had to force myself to pay attention to what he said 'cos he spoke so singlish... ^__________^

The next specialist was Dr Consi (Dr David T. Consigliere), my urologist. Hhhmm... my first impression was he's friendly with his smiling face and... he spoke even more singlish. LOL.

I met another doctor at the other Singapore's restructured hospital too, but after a few visits, he concluded that a surgery would not be needed for my case, as it would be a difficult and with high-risks one. A/ Prof. Wong Wai Keong... he's a surgeon of upper-GI tract.

Now, after more than 3 years being a patient at NUH, I find another way to respond to God... a response for being entrusted with this struggle. I join the NUH Friends, a volunteer activity, befriending the patients. I don't know how much and what I can give... but at least my background would be a help to understanding the patients.

Thank you, NUH!