Thursday, August 9, 2007

"Quest for Love"

I began to read Elisabeth Elliot's books... One of them is "Quest for Love".
I've been struggling with my feeling... and I'm scared of it, scared of myself. Is it wrong that I want to be an encourager, a prayer supporter for him? Despite of all those attentions that he showed lately, I keep on wondering of these points... I can't stop blaming myself for having this love feeling towards him.
I don't know how it started... and I can't even find any single factor that makes this feeling develops and grows stronger.
Am I presumptuous to think that I'm the one for him?
One thing that I learn that... I am not the initiator. He should be the one who initiates. Because a man is an initiator, a protector, and a provider. While I was made to be his helper, comforter, lover. He was to initiate, she to respond {"Quest for Love" page 85}.

I feel even more guilty after I read "Quest for Love". Elliot teaches that women should not show or tell how they feel towards the object of their passion.
I find it difficult for me... and perhaps for other women as well. I tend to show my affections easily, so... it is difficult to withhold the tendency to show it to the man who has been one of my prayer points since several months ago.
Well, about it, Elliot says that...

It hurts because it is suffering, real suffering. It would not be suffering if it did not hurt. ... None of us likes pain. All of us wish at times that we need not "go through all this stuff." ... We cannot know Christ and the power of His resurrection without the fellowship of His suffering.
["Quest for Love" page 40]

Since I've been praying for him (from afar), God has been telling me "to wait". Yup, "waiting" has been repeated for few times in my quiet times these few months... plus about the assurance of God's promises.

I have tried to keep him at arm's length... but... somehow, there's always something that brings me to him again... like last Friday. I had no choice but to see him.
There's something different about him. He talked more to me... I could see clearly that he treated me with respect. He told me that he would be away next week for a conference.

God, this is difficult. Please help me... I've never felt like this before. This is something new for me. I don't know how to handle this.
Teach me, disciple me in this waiting...

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret."
[Psalm 37:7]

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