Thursday, February 3, 2011

(un)Seen. (un)Known. (un)Treasured.

It was at least ten years ago.  The Book of Nehemiah astonished me... as I was (and am)building my "Jerusalem wall".  And now I mourn over my shameful, pathetic Jerusalem wall... I'm afraid I am wasting so much time, assets that You have entrusted me with, Father.  The organization is coming back to me, asking me, again, to take over the chairing of the council from my predecessor.  I turned it down twice since two years ago.  Things are still not getting better now... but You have been saying otherwise.  I'm scared reading what You've been telling me through...  This is something that I never did before, leading a growing organization with very much current damages and tasks ahead.

Be with me, building my Jerusalem wall... But, first, be with me as I now praying it all over again and listen to You.  Let me mourn over my own sins... my family's sins... my friends' sins... my nation's sins... 

O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open, to hear the prayer of your servant that I now pray before you day and night for the people of Israel your servants, confessing the sins of the people of Israel, which we have sinned against you.
Even I and my father’s house have sinned. We have acted very corruptly against you and have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the rules that you commanded your servant Moses. Remember the word that you commanded your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the peoples, but if you return to me and keep my commandments and do them, though your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven, from there I will gather them and bring them to the place that I have chosen, to make my name dwell there.’ They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand.
O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayers of your servant, and to the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of this man.”
(Neh. 1:5-11).

As I endure with the pains, be with me in tearing down the other wall... I have forsaken You and dug my own cisterns... cisterns that cannot hold water.  I was no longer closer to life as You  meant it to be for every little girl...

... He won't risk, he won't fight, and he won't rescue Eve.  Our first father--the first real man--gave in to paralysis. He denied his very nature and went passive. And every man after him, every son of Adam, carries in his heart now the same failure. Every man repeats the sin of Adam, every day. We won't risk, we won't fight, and we won't rescue Eve. We truly are a chip off the old block. (Wild at Heart)
-- "Haunted by a Question", Captivating, 49.

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