I surrendered. And I surrender again.

I met Natalie a few years ago in a conference; her organization sort-of hired me doing translation at the 3-day event.  An American who had lived in Asia for then almost two decades, Natalie is a wife whose husband was working in one of SEA countries and it was heartbreaking for her when she had to follow her husband moving to another country.

I share her feelings; I'm not really keen on changes, I suppose :)  But last week was just another example that changes are part of life.  People come, people walk away from our lives... and we'll never be the same. 

As I prayed about it, as the news broke last week, it amazes me what His reply to me was.  

He told me, "I the Lord do not change."  

I broke down in tears as soon as I read that through the book of Malachi.

Two thousands years ago, next week, 5 years ago, yesterday, or 100 more years... how true, You do not change.  You're still You.  You're always You. 

In the midst of changing world and people, You remain the same.  As I've been pondering this, I was reading Rajini Vaidyanathan shared her story on her decision moving back to India, decades after her own parents left the country.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-radio-and-tv-15520933

Born and grew up in Milton Keynes, she always felt a strong connection to India and its culture and its customs. 

And I understand what she shares in her diary. Now I know what that means.  What it means to make a decision of 'coming home' or staying or leaving for other country. I knew that You wanted me to come here... and I never regretted that decision although I've told You plenty of times that I didn't like it here.  But now... as it gets harder and harder to take in, I am pleading with you to show me Your will. Again. 

Roller coaster.

Pondering over the past week...

-Death of an uncle.  Death of a friend's father.  Illnesses. 

-Losing a community. 

-Dealing with people's pride and ego. (Yes, another lesson on humility for me.)

-Ongoing self-review on my fears.

-Getting my sacrifices and priorities fixed amidst challenges. Constantly. 

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

that this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

"Blessings" - Laura Story

"... For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

Dark would be okay.

His reply came immediately... Firstly, by giving me the re-assurance that He hears.  He hears and He wants to hear me.  Secondly, ya... Obedience -- whatever this refers to.  To stay?

What ever may pass and whatever lies before me

let me be singing when the evening comes

Surviving Mode: ON

It hurts to care.  "This is Singapore..." that's how I always remind myself.  I know, I know; we need to be practical and less personal, we do not necessarily need to talk to each other, because this is Singapore.  Over the years, one of the things that I learned here is to kill my expectations on people.  Yet, I found myself unlearning it again and again, especially... today.

I enjoyed eating out with Michelle and her boyfriend.  Yay!  I liked tandori (it's chicken cooked with some indian spices) and nan (the indian pancake)...  They got to accompany me buying my first Punjabi dress  =)  Lovin' it.

The suppressed emotions I could not show to them, as I had to break down in tears once I got to be alone again in my room...  Show me, what are You teaching me this time around.  If you want me to leave, open the other doors...  I think this was the first time I started to calling out for Papa again after his death.  After almost 6 years.  

If you want me to stay, heal me... Yes, may You heal me and help me to move on... no matter how hurt that could be. 

I got to praying harder for my goodbyes... 

Survivor

Steve Jobs resigns as Apple CEO..  I watched his presentation for the WWDC 2011 Keynote on Apple events and ya, he does look skinny, but I didn't know until today that he's a survivor.  A pancreatic-cancer survivor.   Knowing how aggressive a pancreatic cancer is, I admire his fighting the battle.  I was in his shoes.  I know what kind of war that must be.  All the best, Steve.


I'm fighting a different kind of war today.  Another war of fighting "worthlessness"; to remind myself that I am indeed worthy, that I am not ugly, that I am precious enough to be present in this world.  An ongoing war with my own self and today I, too, had to fight the feeling of not wanting to trust someone.  I'm not a survivor here. Yet. 



It hurts to hope and it hurts more to care.

The heroes and the dead.

I'm feeling better after the sadness of losing my dog...  He died last week, after at least 17 years with us.  I really thought that he waited for my brother to be at home, as he was visiting and thus able to bury our dog.  Otherwise my mom would have to ask someone else to do it.  Goodbye, Gorgie...  

I'm still adjusting at my new workplace... The system so far protects me from the crooks.  Good. I feel that I could trust my boss to protect me from the evils too... He's a nice young man, I think.  And I'll give him a birthday present  =)  Yay!

These pictures are up on MSN Sports news... on the "greatest dads in sport".
I love Van Persie's picture with his daughter.  
Yeah, apart from their million-dolar career, worldwide press coverage on their lives, they are fathers too. 


In such times like this, I wish I could have my dad back.

O Lord, keep the curse of leanness of soul far from me.  May I never need to cry, "I waste away, I waste away! Woe to me!" - Spurgeon.

"No, Eric, you're not alone."

X-Men: First Class is just awesome!!!  Well, Hugh Jackman was only a cameo, as he got a sentence: "F**k yourself."  But I was with some others in the audience who "Ooohhh" when he came into the scene. Hahaha.

Erik Lehnsherr [Michael Fassbender -- oohh, he's cool!] survived the Holocaust due to his unusual power, but not his mother.  She was killed in front of him, shot.


This 5 DM coin was given to Erik by then his greatest enemy, Sebastian Shawn.  With the same coin, Erik killed him, years later. -- You gotta see how such coin could hit the forehead of Sebastian, passing through his skull, through his head; all slow-motioned.  *horrible*


German History was one of my subjects in college -- well, no, I could not avoid that, Es Tut Mir Leid  =)   and I did learn how the Nazis holocaust is a stain that will remain in German history, apart from various reactions, including denials, of its existence.
The killings remained in the hearts of many who survived today... the pain of losing the loved-ones.  The separation. And the fact that you can't even bury the dead. 


The tragic death of his mother has haunted Erik in his whole life, it became an anger within him, an agony, became the major force for him to use his power.  It was till he met Charles Xavier [James McAvoy -- another cool guy!] who looked into Erik's mind and memory... and understood his pain.


"No, Eric, you're not alone."  

My five loaves and two fishes.

The 3-day meeting was finally over.  It was fruitful, as I got to connect with a couple of new contacts that will be beneficial for our work  =)   *blessed*


Physically a Jap, his American accent and Israeli citizenship are indeed attractive factors.  His challenge of taking up the waves of God's purposes was... overwhelming.



My challenges, the boundaries I place on me and people place on me...  Not a task to be solved in one night.  But it reminds me on how faithful You are.  How You look through beyond any boundaries men build. You look through our lives.  And wonderful it is that You call us, to be part in the wave of purposes You are sending across Asia and beyond.  



"Take my five loaves and two fishes 
Do with it as You will 
I surrender 
Take my fears and my inhibitions 
All my burdens, my ambitions 
You can use it all to feed them all" 
-- Corrinne May - Five Loaves And Two Fishes


 

Laura's Story... and Mine

This morning there was a boy standing on the stage, sharing to us about his recent experience in a country in Southeast Asia... The experience was precious to him and he clearly makes a call to everyone to get to see the needs that he has witnessed as he spent days with the kids growing up in poverty.  I'm sure he's not even 15  :-)

I can't really sure why I suddenly found myself... with teary eyes.  Oh well, having a melancholic temperament is a thing, I'm sure, but I guess the ongoing war too, is another thing... I'm in a constant battle of relinquishing my control over things in life and it includes... relinquishing my desire of having children of my own.  It strikes me more often nowadays that... ya, this could be a tough one. Tough.

I thanked Him for reminding me an hour after that.  I don't give up anything... if only I knew what more will be given to me, what more I will find... in You.


stay close by my side
keep your eyes on me 
though this life is hard
i will give you perfect peace

in this time of trial
pain that no one sees
trust me when i say
i will give you perfect peace

and you'll never walk alone
and you'll never be in need
though i may not calm the storms around you 
you can hide in me
burdens that you bear
offer no relief 
let me bear your load
cause i will give you perfect peace

Protector. Provider. Initiator.

Thank you for these mothers, wives...  Being in a marriage institution, they have learned things ahead of me. That includes what it means of letting (qualified/not qualified) men to lead the service.  They lead because they are the man. They lead because that's they're supposed to do.


It was never an issue for me, till now -- as I grow older, as I see more violations on the design of what our Creator gave us, what He intended us to be.  Passive men, dominating women are just everywhere.


JL couldn't believe me when I told him that I started to cry as we chat over Y! Messenger the other day. And that happened in the office in the midst of busyness!  Haha.  I told him that this is a painful subject and over time I'm still amazed on how the pain hurts me still.  I'm not sure what I'm doing to my wounds. Not handling it very well, I'm afraid.


I told him how I struggle to apply the truth I read from Captivating.  I can't imagine giving up my heart to be assaulted, to be vulnerable. Again and again. 
To always remember that I'm worthy in His sight is very much something that I need to fight for nowadays.  It is far much easier to give in to Satan's deceitful trick that I'm worthless, alone, ugly, incapable, worthless, and worthless.  But then, ya... that's part of the battle.

I can't see you.

Well... my first post from my new gadget  =)  Yay! It's "Designed in California. Assembled in China."  What a statement.


Last night we talked about seeing things that are invisible,  as we are deteriorating outwardly... and we could believe that we are actually being renewed day by day. There's too much contrasting here... I could barely grasp the depth of what Paul is trying to tell all of us.

Deteriorating.  Yeah, probably I could relate to that better... My fight with the medical world in the past (uumm... well, not really ended) taught me what it means of losing physical strength.  But to see beyond that and beyond other losses that I had and I will have; to believe that I am actually being continually renewed through those "craps"... I'm afraid it would take me ages to comprehend that.


Yet, having said that, I know that I did not regret anything... I did not regret those hospitalizations, those  injections, those physical pains, a loss of a father, even all the pains that left scars inside me.  
A friend had three miscarriages.  She still remembered vividly each painful moments, yet... she could say that she has been renewed through each of them.  Indeed.


Maybe she's right. The tighter our holds on certain things, the harder ways you choose to teach us letting go.
As I relinquish my control over this, it hurts me terribly... And I know that you're teaching me to let go. Again.


I only knew that you know what you're doing.  And you are there. Though I can't see you.


Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Goodnight, Benjamin.

I should've not watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday...  Its after-effect was apparent to my headache and depression -- gotta wake up with swollen eyes... something happens rather often these days.  Sighs.

How does it feel... like Daisy.  She was sought after. Yes.  She was pursued.  Yes.  She was loved. Yes, Benjamin said, "I don't stop loving you."  Yet... she knew all along that letting go Benjamin was best to do.  She chose to marry another man; a good man, a good father for her daughter, she said.


How I wish to be born some 60 years earlier... Perhaps men were more like men.  Even a stammering king knew that he needed an ezer kenegdo... a sustainer, a suitable helper.  King George VI had a wife that supported him as he was in constant battle with his stammer.  The King's Speech is indeed inspiring   =)


I was touched then by how Benjamin loved her daughter, Caroline, from afar.  Sending her postcards for every birthday that he missed... for every milestone in her life that he missed.  For not being by her side on her first day of school... For not being by her side to teach her piano... For not being there when she had broken-hearts...


I have finally finished Captivating.  A record.  I was too much of a coward to face such books that reveal so much pain in me.  But I finished reading this one.
And I had to weep before You...  Most of my pains are unspoken.  But You know. You always know.  You know, too, how I need to pursue further healing... and that I need to learn how to fight. This is painful, Father...